Keep your mouth shut

Please forgive me for the spelling and punctuation errors I did this all by voice record and I hope it makes some sense to somebody thanks for reading goodnight.

Hello, it has been some time since I wrote anything in this journal. Things have gone up and down just like the roller coaster called life. 
I have some complaints I would like to make and to be honest I am absolutely sure it will offend someone. I am loyal… I am trust worthy… I believe myself to finally be a good person. I do believe that I deserve some kindness.
Why us it people don’t understand this small fact… that being a bipolar who suffers from ptsd and sever bipolar depression. I am not easy to deal with this I know. But have I only found such weak people that they can’t handle or deal with me?? I am to much effort just like I have been told. Am I genuinely not worth the trouble like I have heard?? 

I feel like I have been abandoned to walk in this life alone. I have been turned away or ignored or left to fiend these monster’s who are in my heart and nd soul? I have an amazing mom and two great kids. They don’t register when it comes to support, I believe that’s because I need someone outside of family to be able to talk to. 

If I had a wish, just one. I would ask people understand this.

I am constantly think of what if or maybes. They are little demons who run through my head and my soul I have no quite time. It’s like you are doing an advanced math class and you know the answers but don’t know what order they go in. I hide away not just for me but because I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. That’s all I feel like now. Also it is so quite and draining to be in my head hidde. Away. I would absolutely love to go iut and have fun with friends but than I feel guilty because I shouldn’t be wasting money or anyones time. Theyou have better things to do  I will never ever be worth it. 

Do you have much regret?? I do, I regret the last thing I said to you the question I asked I regret telling you I regret. I can’t share any problems with anyone so the fester. And the regret and loathing gets even bigger which some days I don’t believe that is possible. 

What I don’t understand is, why don’t they give me the common courtesy to explain To me why ? I do understand that people change and situations change and they grow and not everybody stays together. Although I just sit and compare my friendships and my relationships in my life to my friends and people that I know. For whatever reason my so-called friends don’t have the problems I do they don’t have to worry about not having someone to talk to on those days where you just want to cry and never leave your room. They have people that care about them that message them because I want to see if they’re ok or just to go hang out and be friends with somebody who typical what a friend should do. I used to have friends I used to have people that I enjoyed very much spending time with and after I grew up and realize that I was sick and there were things I needed to change in my life the one thing I never wanted to change was the people I could trust or thought I could trust the people who knew my deepest and darkest secrets and we’re still my friends but when I got diagnosed I got divorced all my friends walked away I was even told I wasn’t worth the trouble I caused. I have never wanted to trouble anybody or be a burden but ever since 2011 that is absolutely all I feel I came to my father my family the people I talk to you it’s like I’m in the way it’s like they’re trying to watch a movie and my big ass is standing between them and what they want I have thought that I’ve had close people with me that I could trust and then just one day they stopped I stopped caring writing calling and then I have to explain it to my boys why these people that they classified as somebody that they really cared about walks away I’ve had to explain that more than four or five times and the only answer I can ever give them is it’s not you babies you are amazing it’s your mother people hate your mom and because of that you suffer. now what type of situation or conversation is that to have with a 13 year old and an 8 year old? It’s horrible from experience it’s wretched even with their father I hate him more than life itself but I always give the boys an option to get a hold of him write him talk to him see him I asked them a couple times a month if they want to do any of that and they always say no. Did I screw up too high do something wrong should I have never divorced him should I never taken the boys away or they’re just things that I were scared of because I’m bipolar blow things out of proportion was he a good guy was he just pushed by me to the brink where he couldn’t handle it anymore was it my fault? Those words was it my fault are the leading words in the train that runs through my head in a circle who was it my fault what should I have done what could I have done? I know people have those blah days where you just don’t want to do anything you don’t want to get up you want to go anywhere it happens to the best of us. But I am 31 almost 32 and I have had 11 surgeries I have chronic pain I’m bipolar and PTSD severe bipolar depression and anxiety on top of it I have arthritis and rheumatoid arthritis and bone density that screwed up and vitamin D levels that are healthy and an eye that’s so f***** it doesn’t move right and you can’t really see out of it now. I have migraine so bad that I see double but I have kids so I fight through it and that’s okay I do anything for them I just wish I had someone on my side to talk to you about it not for someone to understand over someone to say it’ll be okay Steph everything can get better.

The worst thing that I hear quite often from people is just forget about it move on Let It Go they’re not worth your time people change. Try having my f*****-up monkey brain bouncing off the walls 24/7 stop regretting life. I’ve realized regret is My Own Worst Enemy and to change that I have no idea how to.

Basically what I wanted to say in this blog and I think you got all mixed up and other issues I’m having is I had close friends at least I thought but it didn’t happen it’s not true they walked away as quickly as they came into my life and I miss a lot of them. So the question I was asking in this little thing was do you have people that have walked away from you? Do you feel like you have been abandoned by somebody that you believe should have had your your back family friends whatever. I know in my heart and soul I’m f***** up comma but I’m a good person I believe I deserve some kind of common courtesy some love some caring Maybe besides from my boys and my mom they give a lot but it’s different. They have to love me , the boys won’t know any different until they’re about 18 or 20 and then they can make up their mind on their own on how they feel about me and terrified of what the decisions will be because I know I’m batshit crazy and unhappy and that shows a lot in my everyday. so basically I just wonder if I had this different Outlet I had one but I only went out like once or twice a year. I don’t know what that was because of distance or just the lack of wanting to leave I went from having about 4 to 5 really close friends to not having one in span of seven years. Oh f*** it I honestly don’t know what I expect from this I have a lot going on my head monkey brain and all and I don’t know where to go where to stop where to begin or how to explain what I’m trying to say and what I feel in my heart. I can’t flat-out say you know you left me you said I was worth it you blow me off I can’t do that so it’s this broad spectrum of everything that these people have done to me and it’s a hot mess.

In conclusion I’m lonely I’m tired I feel crazy I hurt and all I want is love friendship someone who cares about me enough to say hi are you okay I’m here for you. Hopefully one day I’ll know that feels like and hopefully that one day is sooner rather than later. So for now goodnight thank you for reading this jumble of crap that I just put together. I will write more sometime this week and hopefully it’ll be a little more clear goodnight sweet dreams love me…

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Sickness…

I felt it grow everyday with every passing minute,this sickness grew stronger inside me tugging, pulling and pushing me to run so I wouldn’t have these dreadful feelings of being hunted.

Trying to be as cautious as a new mother with her baby, I slid around hiding the truth. I could never let the people surrounding me know of my weakness. The complete and utter hatred of myself that I have been consumed by. They would tare me apart like the wild beast this world has created, seeing any sign of weakness, I would just be an injured thing to all those predators.

So I go on… stone hearted and alone, sick of myself even more sick of being the one to play the game of the wild creatures like it is some sick tournament. Still I’m always playing with no one the wiser of my continuous  hatred for myself… we will just call it a sickness, it can be our little secret.        Shoosh…

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am I the only one??

Lately things have been so difficult for me,  I’ve cried more this week then all of last month. SO MANY THINGS Run Through my head they Eat me like A virus  I used to have amazing dreams,  I WAS Set On The Perfect life. A life with my babies and their father,  being an accomplished author who to Harvard Law school who is taking over her uncle’s practice. A house being a mother and wife. Someone who on best friend day actually has one.

Well that’s not my life I have the polar opposite of that, so I sit here and think of the decisions I’ve made and wonder if I had chosen to not complain, not divorcing my ex,  never leaving north high. So many thing’s I could change and my life would be completely different. I’ve been so angry since the anniversaries of my face, divorce and marriage.  It’s been 5 years since I was technically with my ex, so why does it still hurt to tell my kids about him. I have to tell them that it’s my fault their dad is gone. That’s the worst feeling I have ever had.

My life isn’t bad just not what I thought I would be, disabled at 25 single mom, who has become so inverted since people don’t understand bipolar and how it effects me on a daily basis. I pushed everyone else away after a few people told me I was a crazy and i was a horrible mean person not worth it…

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Anyways I keep getting off my topic, I think about all the wrong things pretty much all the time. I try to make that voice in my head to change the subject it never works it just keeps going. Do have the same problem?  Have you because of bipolar or another disorder pushed so many people away, lost jobs because you just thought it would be better to erase yourself from everything???

I have to wake up every day and say to my self before I get out of bed…  it will be ok, don’t stress, life is good. By bedtime I am climbing the walls and none stop thinking so bad I stay up till 8 am and get up at 11 am. I have read tins on bipolar,  ptsd, and server depression. But books can’t tell you the same things a person experiencing the problems. SO what do you think???? Any advice do have similar problems???

Tomorrow is another day… keep your head up! Try and be more understanding and for giving to people who need your help not criticism.  Thanx for reading Steph

A bipolar girls nightmare…

The only way I can explain the past few weeks is a nightmare.  The things that have been going on the stuff I have learned the things I know now, and need to come to terms with again.

I was just told my youngest, my little boy has autism and is bipolar. You could have heard my heart break, I’m terrified for him. His life just changed in a matter of minutes.  My oldest has tbi and is bipolar,  and of course I am. You have to wonder what the hell is going to happen? People who just have to deal with themselves having this illness have a hard enough time just making it through the day. I’m supposed to and expected to be strong for all of us and want to so much. But it’s hard and getting harder those thoughts none of us want have started to  come through the cracks. It’s scary and hard.

Then how do I say this…  all I want to do is comfort some old hurt. Tell my ex he is a piece of shit for having me go through this alone, ask people if I’m really that bad and is or was my friendship or just me that bad to be around. they literally called me toxic to each other because I was undiagnosed and needed help.

The last walk

The last walk

I’ve  had a really bad three years I almost died, the kids diagnosis,  medical issues,  I can just feel it draining me… and people say get over it stop whining.  I’m not I’m just speaking my mind and i know it is different then yours. My feelings are different.  I literally have to talk myself into getting up in the morning. Why say all this why tell anyone…????

I want someone to finally understand we aren’t the bad guys,  we aren’t crazy, we aren’t trying to be distant or angry, I’m sorry I wasted all those years as your wife, girlfriend,  friend, niece, daughter… I can’t help this BUT I AM TRYING!  I’m better today then I was yesterday,  the only difference is I am more closed off and all those people have left me.

Love your loved ones with all your heart! If they have mental health issues don’t ever leave them with thinking they are toxic to you, because you might wake up and not have them for the rest of your life. Stay strong, love unconditionally that’s what we all need!!!!!

Clotho

Clotho

I’m here alone in the silence of the night, the only sound that breaks the nothingness comes with crashing. The sound of my world falling down around me. The chaos that has broken my silence is the beginning of my plight,  my strength can only come after the storms has gone when there is no more wind or rainwear the thunder has been silenced again.

I’m so far away…

Don’t feel sorry for me, I’ve brought this on myself. I can’t escape all the fog following me it’s swirling and thickening around me. While I’m walking alone along this porous and jagged shore watching the waves rush towards me then disappear, just like the tear’s on my skin they are
cold and broken. I don’t know how I got here, I don’t know what went wrong.

I’m so far away…

meandering down this darkened and damp road the hurt has finally taken over. I’m so far gone that no one has any clue as to what comes next. I’ve come here, I’ve surrendered my pride, I’ve felt ashamed for so long.
I pour my heart and soul into this did you know?
Time has run out for me…
I’m to far away,
Will you notice when I’m gone?
This is my fate you have seen it at a glance,
It’s left to the cutter, weaver, and the allotter. It’s to late.
I’m to far away…

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10 things you should never say to a bipolar person…

This amazing link below says it all… all the things you should not ask a bipolar person.  It’s so spot on, I adored it. Very nice read for everyone.  I’m glad my blog had more views then I expected all from people I have never met. So I wanted to take the time and and say hi.  My name is Stephanie,  it’s nice to meet you I look forward to hearing your input and sharing my thoughts,  stories and ramblings. Lol nighty night

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/sep/23/bipolar-disorder-joy-10-things-you-should-never-say-to-someone-with-bipolar-disorder?CMP=share_btn_fb

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New Blog Intro Is this a really big room or Am I shrinking??

Hi everyone,  I haven’t written a blog in ages. So here goes some thoughts from a very strange place bare with me ok?

My friend suggested I write my blog, because of everything I have been through the past few years.  I know a lot of you liked to complain and say (Me) she is negative and she is looking for pity but no I never ever was, I was sick. I am sick. I also almost died in a car accident and went through a nasty divorce. So before you judge someone and treat them poorly  please know the facts then walk away,  or walk away because you never where friends to begin with.  I was diagnosed bipolar NOS…  2010 that is bp one and BP two combination basically.  That’s the easiest way to describe it. Anyways she suggested I write to help myself, maybe help others, maybe others would understand me better,  just an out there, here I am this, is me kinda deal… I’m not good at anonymous writing so here it is. My first bit of a day in my mind… sorry it was a bad one.

Most of you know my diagnosis of bipolar,  ptsd, anxiety,  depression… basically an emotional ticking time bomb lol. ( oh come on that was funny )  ok moving on. Anyways I was thinking today which has been a particularly bad day. I’m sitting on my bed thinking and listening to music, because that’s one of my anchors. I don’t know much about bipolar at all only what I have read (so what happens next is semi normal). So everything that can, has, will, would… bother, go wrong, has gone wrong, is weighting on my heart and soul.  Is flying through my head at about 200 miles an hour all at once. This happens all the time I have exercise I am supposed to do to anchor my thoughts so I can control it, sometimes I can sometimes I can’t. It gets completely out of control.  This time something new happens… instead of me just hearing all of my failures over and over. I see a room and I’m standing in it, (not a hallucination/ like a day dream kind of thing) there is nothing in it. Now the next is tricky the room gets bigger or I get smaller, until I am coward in the corner with my head on my knees. Failures still going new ones pop up as they go. People start to show up in this room mom, dad, collin, Niko, aunts, uncles, brother, friends I have, friends I don’t anymore,  Ryan and his family…  everyone. They  are yelling at me telling more failures. Bad daughter,  I wish I had a different mom, I’m glad I divorced you, now you see why I stopped talking to you your not worth it, worthless, pathetic… and so on. Over and over and over. And then…

SILENCE!!!   It’s done I just here my music going and  my words for this blog. It’s finally finished the war dance in my skull has no more Indians making circles.  Strangely I feel like there are stakes of unfinished work just left laying around that i need to do now and I have no idea where I need to start,  what I am going to do… and  off to the races I mind goes again!!!!

Do you see how it trips me up? It does it while I’m sleeping to the point, it triggers my ptsd and I wake up screaming,crying, and swing my fists every night… I can’t sleep with my kiddos…

Does anyone else have anxiety,  depression,  ptsd,  Bipolar issues that cause some weird problems? Or know someone besides me lol.

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Please don’t judge what and who you don’t know,  people did, and do that to me. It made everything for me so much worse I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong!?  I did and still  have such a hard time with my illness people who have bipolar need love support  understanding and most of all the need you to just listen don’t yell at them. Don’t be defensive it’s not you its them they can’t help it and they are sorry inside screaming they are sorry just don’t push back or you’ll lose them. Never give up on someone you love, never tell them they are to much trouble or not worth it. Mental illness is worth every minute just like every other medical disease. It only takes a minute to save a life of a mental I’ll patient, and it can take a few words or lack there of… to lose them forever.

This happens if my mind wonders lately, the people are anew addition I must say tonight after crying all day. Let’s hope they never come back. I don’t even know where to begin, I guess I know what I think of people thinking of me. Wow that hurts. But I’m alright DBT says if you can’t change it don’t worry about it! That’s a strong thought to live by! Well I hope you enjoyed my blog it took a lot to write this. We will see how far it goes… Good Night Ya’ll

                                    Stephi