Please forgive me for the spelling and punctuation errors I did this all by voice record and I hope it makes some sense to somebody thanks for reading goodnight.
Hello, it has been some time since I wrote anything in this journal. Things have gone up and down just like the roller coaster called life.
I have some complaints I would like to make and to be honest I am absolutely sure it will offend someone. I am loyal… I am trust worthy… I believe myself to finally be a good person. I do believe that I deserve some kindness.
Why us it people don’t understand this small fact… that being a bipolar who suffers from ptsd and sever bipolar depression. I am not easy to deal with this I know. But have I only found such weak people that they can’t handle or deal with me?? I am to much effort just like I have been told. Am I genuinely not worth the trouble like I have heard??
I feel like I have been abandoned to walk in this life alone. I have been turned away or ignored or left to fiend these monster’s who are in my heart and nd soul? I have an amazing mom and two great kids. They don’t register when it comes to support, I believe that’s because I need someone outside of family to be able to talk to.
If I had a wish, just one. I would ask people understand this.
I am constantly think of what if or maybes. They are little demons who run through my head and my soul I have no quite time. It’s like you are doing an advanced math class and you know the answers but don’t know what order they go in. I hide away not just for me but because I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. That’s all I feel like now. Also it is so quite and draining to be in my head hidde. Away. I would absolutely love to go iut and have fun with friends but than I feel guilty because I shouldn’t be wasting money or anyones time. Theyou have better things to do I will never ever be worth it.
Do you have much regret?? I do, I regret the last thing I said to you the question I asked I regret telling you I regret. I can’t share any problems with anyone so the fester. And the regret and loathing gets even bigger which some days I don’t believe that is possible.
What I don’t understand is, why don’t they give me the common courtesy to explain To me why ? I do understand that people change and situations change and they grow and not everybody stays together. Although I just sit and compare my friendships and my relationships in my life to my friends and people that I know. For whatever reason my so-called friends don’t have the problems I do they don’t have to worry about not having someone to talk to on those days where you just want to cry and never leave your room. They have people that care about them that message them because I want to see if they’re ok or just to go hang out and be friends with somebody who typical what a friend should do. I used to have friends I used to have people that I enjoyed very much spending time with and after I grew up and realize that I was sick and there were things I needed to change in my life the one thing I never wanted to change was the people I could trust or thought I could trust the people who knew my deepest and darkest secrets and we’re still my friends but when I got diagnosed I got divorced all my friends walked away I was even told I wasn’t worth the trouble I caused. I have never wanted to trouble anybody or be a burden but ever since 2011 that is absolutely all I feel I came to my father my family the people I talk to you it’s like I’m in the way it’s like they’re trying to watch a movie and my big ass is standing between them and what they want I have thought that I’ve had close people with me that I could trust and then just one day they stopped I stopped caring writing calling and then I have to explain it to my boys why these people that they classified as somebody that they really cared about walks away I’ve had to explain that more than four or five times and the only answer I can ever give them is it’s not you babies you are amazing it’s your mother people hate your mom and because of that you suffer. now what type of situation or conversation is that to have with a 13 year old and an 8 year old? It’s horrible from experience it’s wretched even with their father I hate him more than life itself but I always give the boys an option to get a hold of him write him talk to him see him I asked them a couple times a month if they want to do any of that and they always say no. Did I screw up too high do something wrong should I have never divorced him should I never taken the boys away or they’re just things that I were scared of because I’m bipolar blow things out of proportion was he a good guy was he just pushed by me to the brink where he couldn’t handle it anymore was it my fault? Those words was it my fault are the leading words in the train that runs through my head in a circle who was it my fault what should I have done what could I have done? I know people have those blah days where you just don’t want to do anything you don’t want to get up you want to go anywhere it happens to the best of us. But I am 31 almost 32 and I have had 11 surgeries I have chronic pain I’m bipolar and PTSD severe bipolar depression and anxiety on top of it I have arthritis and rheumatoid arthritis and bone density that screwed up and vitamin D levels that are healthy and an eye that’s so f***** it doesn’t move right and you can’t really see out of it now. I have migraine so bad that I see double but I have kids so I fight through it and that’s okay I do anything for them I just wish I had someone on my side to talk to you about it not for someone to understand over someone to say it’ll be okay Steph everything can get better.
The worst thing that I hear quite often from people is just forget about it move on Let It Go they’re not worth your time people change. Try having my f*****-up monkey brain bouncing off the walls 24/7 stop regretting life. I’ve realized regret is My Own Worst Enemy and to change that I have no idea how to.
Basically what I wanted to say in this blog and I think you got all mixed up and other issues I’m having is I had close friends at least I thought but it didn’t happen it’s not true they walked away as quickly as they came into my life and I miss a lot of them. So the question I was asking in this little thing was do you have people that have walked away from you? Do you feel like you have been abandoned by somebody that you believe should have had your your back family friends whatever. I know in my heart and soul I’m f***** up comma but I’m a good person I believe I deserve some kind of common courtesy some love some caring Maybe besides from my boys and my mom they give a lot but it’s different. They have to love me , the boys won’t know any different until they’re about 18 or 20 and then they can make up their mind on their own on how they feel about me and terrified of what the decisions will be because I know I’m batshit crazy and unhappy and that shows a lot in my everyday. so basically I just wonder if I had this different Outlet I had one but I only went out like once or twice a year. I don’t know what that was because of distance or just the lack of wanting to leave I went from having about 4 to 5 really close friends to not having one in span of seven years. Oh f*** it I honestly don’t know what I expect from this I have a lot going on my head monkey brain and all and I don’t know where to go where to stop where to begin or how to explain what I’m trying to say and what I feel in my heart. I can’t flat-out say you know you left me you said I was worth it you blow me off I can’t do that so it’s this broad spectrum of everything that these people have done to me and it’s a hot mess.
In conclusion I’m lonely I’m tired I feel crazy I hurt and all I want is love friendship someone who cares about me enough to say hi are you okay I’m here for you. Hopefully one day I’ll know that feels like and hopefully that one day is sooner rather than later. So for now goodnight thank you for reading this jumble of crap that I just put together. I will write more sometime this week and hopefully it’ll be a little more clear goodnight sweet dreams love me…